Review: Fantastic Beasts and where to find them

(Beware of spoilers)

Before we start this I thought I'd clarify how I feel about the Harry Potter Franchise itself.
I'm not a Die-Hard by any means nor am I a hater. I read the books, I watched the Movies (as far as book adaptations go I thought they did alright), I had a Quidditch Card Game when I was a Kid (what do you mean that doesn't say much?!) and I enjoyed all of these things. I thought they were just fine and I still do.
Thus there is no reason for me to be super hyped nor super depressed should the film be incredible good or incredible bad.
In case you wonder: The latter is the case.

But let's start at the beginning:
We follow the Story of Newt Scamander a supposedly quirky, charming, introvert who is really bad at looking people in the eye.
Daaaaw he is so loveable and awkward, isn't he? <3

No. No he is not.
Basically this guy is what you'd get if tumblr were to design a character.
In case you have no idea what that means, let me phrase it differently:
Take Doctor Who, Cucumbercabbage-Sherlock, mash them together poorly and then make your new and toootally original character also a huge animal lover.
Needless to say he annoyed the hell out of me from the getgo.


The thing is: A good Movie can survive a bad main protagonist by being... you know, good.
Or by having good supporting characters. And THAT is actually something Fantastic Beasts and yadda yadda kind of achieved.
Tina Goldstein has by far the most interesting backstory out of all of the Heroes.
She's a former Cop (I'm sorry: "Auror") and the reason she got demoted directly ties in to the subplot of one of the Villains. Said subplot revolves around a group of people who hate Wizards and like to hit children with belts and stuff and it's actually the best bit of story we get in this movie.
Too bad it's secondary to Scamander hunting his escaped pets all over 1920's New York City in slapstick fashion.
Said Beasts are actually pretty cool I'll admit. They have creative designs and interesting abilitys and quirks. Thus they are basically everything Newt Scamander is not.
While the Creatures are one of the better things about this movie they still pale in comparison with the other two Heroes:
Jacob Kowalski and Tina's Sister Queenie Goldstein are a constant delight on their own but they are even better together as they have a mad amount of chemistry.
Good stuff, really good stuff.
Now if the Movie would be about them....
Instead we get an additiona love story between Tina and Newt. Those two share exactly one good scene together at the End which falls flat because it doesn't feel like that either of them earned it.
While it was obvious from the start that the two main characters would have an implied romantic relationship, not much was done to set it up.

In fact not much was done to set up the Heroes teaming up anyway.
At one point Tina is pretty much to blame for getting them almost killed and no one really bats an eye.
Sure she felt betrayed and did what she thought she had to do but the least they could do is confront each other about the shit they've done. But they don't.


I know I repeat myself but I really think this Movie should have been about Queenie and Jacob instead. It could be a romantic comedy for all I care, that would actually fit the tone of their relationship.

But it isn't. Instead we are stuck in a constant cycle of bad slapstick scenes which abruptly switch to bad overly dramatic scenes.
You know how Pixar and Marvel Studios Movies mastered the art of being serious, sad and fun at the same time. How they make you laugh and then give you an emotional uppercut in the next second and you love it?
Fantastic Beasts, I think, tries to go for the same effect but in the End it only reminds you that it isn't as easy as the studios I just mentioned make it look.

It doesn't quite help that the Villain is the most obvious bad guy ever (He's also pretty bland) and the ending is all kinds of anticlimactic, completely wasting any opportunity to finish strong due a Deus ex-Machina moment.
Well to be fair it's not really a Deus Ex-Machina moment as it is somewhat setup halfway through the movie but it is so lazy written it might as well be one.


Conclusion:
A Movie that doesn't know what it want to be, with the most annoying Main Protagonist since Max in Life is Strange. A couple of good supporters and cool Creatures don't make up for how bad and uninteresting the rest is.
I don't think I'll ever watch this a second time.